Kill or Cure

"Kill or Cure" is the ninth episode of the first season of Mind Your Language. It was first broadcast on the 24th of February 1978.

Plot
The episode starts with Miss Courtney getting what she suspects is an obscene phone call, but it turns out to be Mr. Brown trying to explain that he's in bed with the flu, and cannot come to teach. While no one is around to take the class, the students are dancing until Miss Courtney approaches them. She takes over the class and asks a few questions. She sends Giovanni, Ali and Max home for giving stupid answers and then leaves Anna in charge of the class. The rest give stupid answers as well, so when Miss Courtney returns she finds that Anna has sent them all home.

After leaving the school, the students decide to visit Mr. Brown at his flat. When he hears them knocking at the door, he tells them to go away at first, so Jamila, Danielle, Giovanni and Max, not hearing the response, try to use the back door as the door is not opened. Then, Mr. Brown opens the door, but it is too late as there's no one until Ali arrives. While he and Ali are talking in the corridor, the other four are already inside and lock the door to prevent burglars from breaking in. When Mr. Brown notices this, he and Ali think there are burglars in the flat and he and Max see each other's eyes when they both look through the peephole. As Mr. Brown charges toward the door and tries to break it down, Giovanni opens it and Mr. Brown lands on his bed, which folds back up into the wall. Danielle spills some milk on her dress, so Mr. Brown tells her to sponge it off in the bathroom, and she comes out to ask him where she can hang her dress right as Miss Courtney arrives to collect the students' homework.

All of Mr. Brown's students bring treatments and medicine when they visit him, some of which are more helpful to him than others. When Juan, Ranjeet and Taro arrive, Juan gives him some Spanish brandy and Taro gives him some sake, and Ali, Danielle, Max and Giovanni return a little later with bottles of Jamaican rum, French wine, Greek ouzo and Italian grappa. Jamila goes to the school with Miss Courtney and explains why Danielle was in her undergarments in Mr. Brown's flat. When Miss Courtney realises that Mr. Brown did nothing wrong and goes back to his flat to apologise to him, she finds him dancing the conga with his students and advises them to leave immediately. As she warns Mr. Brown that any other incidents of this sort will get him terminated, he loses his balance, grabs hold of her and falls into his bed, which folds up into the wall with both of them in it.

Quotes
Miss Courtney: Not quite. The first Britons were Celtic.

Giovanni: From Glasgow.

Miss Courtney: I beg your pardon?

Giovanni: There's Glasgow Rangers, Glasgow Celtic. Football.

Miss Courtney: I was not referring to football, I was talking about the race.

Giovanni: No no no, it's not a race, it's football. I see them play Inter Milano in the Cup.

Miss Courtney: Don't contradict me and if I hear any more of your stupid remarks I shall send you out of the class. The Celts were a race of people, then came the Gauls.

Giovanni: Ya see I was-a right, you have-a da goals in football.

Miss Courtney: Can anyone tell me what AD means?

Ali: After Dark.

Miss Courtney: Does anyone know what BC means?

Max: Before Christmas.

Miss Courtney: And don't stand for any nonsense.

Anna: Do not vorry, I shall not stand for anysing; I shall be sitting down.

Jamila: Masterji, I have knit small gift for you.

Mr. Brown: Oh, thank you, Jamila.

Jamila: Ha, you try.

Mr. Brown: Very kind of you. Yes.

(Jamila helps him put on the cardigan she made, but the sleeves cover his hands.)

Jamila: Oh! Little big.

Mr. Brown: Yeah. Well, uh, keep me warm.

Ali: (Laughing.) Oh, blimey! He will not be needing to wear any gloves.

Trivia

 * This episode is not included in the home video release.
 * This is, along with "The First Lesson", one of two episodes from the first three seasons in which neither Gladys nor Sid appear.
 * This is the very first episode where Ali and Ranjeet are not seen getting into any fights.
 * The scene in which Juan says that Mr. Brown looks "more white" than before was cut from some airings of the episode.